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Post by Fightingcock on Dec 5, 2005 11:11:19 GMT 8
lol... nice pest.
now for some wishes...
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks for their orders. The man says,"A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke." The ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes routine until, the two enter again.
"The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad," says the man. "Same," says the ostrich. Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62." Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress.. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "But, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say. ;D
A white guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub. Two blonde genies appear, and they tell him he has been granted three wishes. The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear. The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom, in a mansion surrounded by 50 beautiful women. He makes love to all of them and begins to explore the house. Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet, he looks down and the floor is covered in $100 bills. Then, there's a knock at the door. He answers it and standing there are two persons dressed in Ku Klux Klan outfits. They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a limb and hang him by the neck until he's dead. As the Klansmen are walking away, they remove their hoods; it's the two blonde genies. One blonde genie says to the other one," I can understand the first wish having all these beautiful women in a big mansion to make love to. I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire. But, why he wanted to be hung like a black man is beyond me." ;D FC
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Post by Fightingcock on Dec 5, 2005 17:03:36 GMT 8
The questions below about Australia, are from potential visitors. They were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humour. Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK). A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die. Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA) A: Depends how much you've been drinking. Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden) A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water. Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden) A: So it's true what they say about Swedes. Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK) A: What did your last slave die of? Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA) A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked. Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA) A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions. Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK) A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do. Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA) A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked. Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? ( UK) A: You are a British politician, right? Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany) A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal. Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA) A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets. Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA) A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking. Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France) A: No, WE don't stink. Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA) A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather. Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy) A: Yes, gay nightclubs. Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France) A: Only at Christmas. Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA) A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour. Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA) A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first FC
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Post by Noa on Jan 2, 2006 21:25:09 GMT 8
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Post by Fightingcock on Feb 14, 2006 17:50:01 GMT 8
i was reading a flame war in tracker forum... about the US and war... and my faverite stand-up comedian come to mind, (George Carlin) so i spent and hour dictating his set on the subject. sounds a lot better live. can give anyones thats interrested... 3 x 1 hour shows... and a 2 hour audio book. I’d like to talk about the war in the Persian Gulf, Big doings in the Persian Gulf. It was the first war we ever had that was on every channel plus cable. And the war got good ratings too.. didn’t it. Got good ratings Well… we like war. We like war. We’re a war like people. We like war cause were good at it. You know why we are good at it? Cause we get a lot of practice. This country is only 200 years old and already we have had 10 major wars. We average a major war every 20 years in this country. So we are good at it! And it’s a good thing we are as we’re not good at anything else anymore. Can’t build a decent car. Can’t make a TV set or VCR worth a Fk! Got no steel industry left. Can’t educate our young people Can’t get heath care to our old people. But we can bomb the shyt out of your country all right. We can bomb the shyt out of your country all right Especially if your country is full of brown people. Oh we like that don’t we… that’s our hobby That’s our new job in the world, bombing brown people. Iraq, Panama, Grenada, Libya, You got some brown people in your country tell them to watch the Fk-out. Or we’ll god-dam bomb them. Well when’s the last white people you remember we bombed Can you remember the last white… can you remember any white people… we ever bombed. The Germans… they were the only ones… and that’s only because they were trying to cut in on our action. They wanted to dominate the world. Bullshyt, that’s our Fking job! That’s our Fking job! Now we only bomb brown people. Not because they are trying to cut in on our action, But just because they brown. And you probably notice I don’t feel about that war… the way we were told we were supposed to feel about that war The way we were order and constructed by the US government to feel about that war. You see, I tell ya… my mind doesn’t work that way, I got this really moron thing I do it’s called… “Thinking” And I’m not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions. I just don’t roll over when I’m told to. Sad to say most Americans just roll over on command. Not me. I have certain rules I live by My first rule… I don’t believe anything the government tells me. Nothing… Zero… No. And I don’t take very seriously the media or the press in this country Who in the case of the Persian Gulf War were nothing more the unpaid employees of the department of defense. And who most of the time… most of the time function as an unofficial public relations agency for the US government. So I don’t listen to them. I don’t really believe in my country. And I got to tell you folds… I don’t get all choked up about yellow ribbons And American flags. I consider them… I consider them to be symbols… And I leave Symbols to the simple minded. Me… I look at war a little bit differently. To me war is a lot of prick waving. OK Simple thing… that’s all it is… War is a whole lot of men standing out in a field waving there pricks at one another. Men are insincere about the size of there dicks so they have to kill one another over the idea. That’s what all that a-hole jock bullshyt is all about. That’s what that adolescent macho male posturing and striating in bars and locker rooms is all about. It’s called…. “Dick Fear” Men are terrified the there pricks are inadequate so they have to compete with one another to feel better about themselves. And since war is the ultimate competition, basically men are killing each other in order to improve there self esteem You don’t have to be a historian or political scientist to see the “Bigger Dick Foreign Policy Theory” at work. It sounds like this…. “What… they have bigger dicks… Bomb them!” And of cause… the bombs and the rockets and the bullets all are shaped like dicks. It’s a subconscious need to project the penis into other people’s affairs. It’s called…. “FKing with people!” So… as far as I’m concerned the whole thing in the Persian Gulf was nothing more than a big prick waving dick fight. In this particular case Saddum Hussan had question the size of George Bush’s dick. And George bush had been called a wimp for so long, (wimp rhymes with limp) George had been called a wimp for so long… He has to act out his manhood fantasies by sending other peoples children to die. Even the name… Bush… Even the name… Bush… is related to the genitals… without being the genitals. A Bush is a sort of passive secondary sex charaistic. Now if this mans name had been Gorege Boner Well he might have felt a bit better about himself and we would have had any trouble in the first place. This whole country has a manhood problem… big manhood problem in the USA. You can tell by the language we use. Language always gives you away. What did we do wrong in Vietnam… we “pulled out” Not a very manly thing to do is it. When your Fking people you got to stay in there and Fk them good, Fk’em all the way, Fk’em to till the end, Fk’em to death, Fk’em to death. Stay in there and keep Fking till there all dead. We left a few women and children alive in Vietnam and haven’t felt good about ourselves since. That’s why in the Persian Gulf George bush had to say “this will not be another Vietnam” He actually used these words… “This time we’re going all the way” Imagine a US president using the sexual slang of a thirteen year old to describe his foreign policy. If you want to know what happen in the Persian Gulf… just remember the names of the two men who were running that war. Dick Cheny and Colon pow. Somebody got Fked in the ass! ;D FC
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Post by Fightingcock on Mar 29, 2006 17:58:31 GMT 8
A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together. They get back to his apartment and she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears. Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall.
The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side. She turns to him... they kiss...and then they rip each other's clothes off and make hot steamy love. After an intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, they're lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and she asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?" The guy says:
"Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."
muhahahaha ;D FC
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Post by pestexterminator on Mar 30, 2006 18:51:22 GMT 8
On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle.
One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?" The tower responded, "Who is calling?" The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?" The tower replied "It makes a lot of difference. If it is an American Airlines flight, it is 3 o'clock. If it is an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours. If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon and 120 minutes to "Happy Hour."
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A battalion of marines was on a beach doing a PT workout when the CO of the battalion looked up and saw a lone army ranger standing at attention at the top of a hill. The CO was curious so he sent a marine up to see what was going on. As the marine approached the ranger sprinted into the woods, and the marine followed. Yelling and screaming could be heard coming from the woods, seconds later the Ranger stepped out and stood back at attention. The CO was still curious so he sent a squad up to investigate. The ranger ran into the woods and after some yelling and screaming, came back out and stood at attention again. Now the CO was angry so he sent an entire Platoon up to the top of the hill. The ranger ran into the woods. He emerged moments later after sime more yelling and screaming with no sign of the marines anywhere. The CO had had enough, he sent the entire battalion of marines charging up the hill. The ranger ran into the woods. More yelling and screaming and this time some gunfire. Finally a terribly wounded marine crawled out of the woods and reported back to the CO. The CO inquired "Do you mean to tell me that one army ranger destroyed an entire battalion of marines" The marine replied "no sir, it was a trick, there were two of them" ----------------------------------------
A new soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate. His orders were clear; no car was to enter unless it had a special sticker on the windshield. A big Army car came up with a general seated in the back.
The sentry said, "Halt, who goes there?"
The chauffeur, a corporal, says, "General Wheeler."
"I'm sorry, I can't let you through. You've got to have a sticker on the windshield."
The general said, "Drive on!"
The sentry said, "Hold it! You really can't come through. I have orders to shoot if you try driving in without a sticker."
The general repeated, "I'm telling you, son, drive on."
The sentry walked up to the rear window and said, "General, I'm new at this. Do I shoot you or the driver?"
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An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a 3-day pass.
The CO says "Are you crazy? You just join the Israeli army, and you already want a 3-day pass? You must do something spectacular for that recognition!"
So the soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tank!
The CO was so impressed, he asked "How did you do it?"
"Well, I jumped in a tank, and went toward the border with the Arabs. I approached the border, and saw an Arab tank. I put my white flag up, the Arab tank put his white flag up. I said to the Arab soldier, "Do you want to get a three-day pass? So we exchanged tanks!"
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Post by aznsk8s87 on Mar 31, 2006 19:05:20 GMT 8
hm...
A man walks into the bar and in the corner he finds this 12 inch tall pianist with his little piano. He's playing everything from mozart to beethoven.
the man walks up to the bartender and says "Where'd you get the little dude playing in the corner?"
Bartender replies "... can't tell you..."
Man says "come on... i know you want to share!"
Bartender then says "Alrighty, then. After the bar closes, go out back into the allyway. Knock on the 3rd brick right, 12 up. A genie will come out and he'll give you ONE wish."
So, after hours, the man goes out back, knocks on the brick, and a genie appears.
"Whoa... so there IS a genie..." "What the HELL are you smokin' son? of course I'm a genie! now, im gonna grant you ONE wish, so you'd better make it good!" "ooh... alright... I wish for... a MILLION BUCKS!" "Your wish has been granted"
The man goes home, only to find a MILLION DUCKS flapping about the place, crapping on the sofa, nipping at his ear.
The next day, the man goes back to the bar and grabs the bartender by the collar.
"WHATS WRONG WITH YOUR GENIE?! I ASK FOR A MILLION BUCKS AND HE GIVES ME A MILLION DUCKS!"
"DO YOU REALLY THINK I ASKED FOR A 12 INCH PIANIST?!"
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Post by Fightingcock on May 25, 2006 18:09:01 GMT 8
---You know someone is into Airsoft when...---
...you keep finding little white balls all over their house/flat/apartment.
...every time there is an action movie on TV, they keep pointing out things like "Oh, that's an MP5 K, that is" or "See that gun that bloke's using? Well I've got one of them."
...there is a room in their house/flat/apartment with the word 'ARMOURY' on the door
...you mention you are going paint-balling and they look at you disapprovingly.
...they always manage to turn the subject around to "Skirmishing".
...there are little white balls stuck in the tread of their footwear.
...they pretend to throw a grenade before they enter a room.
...there is a stick of camo-cream in their bathroom.
...there are a box of tiny screwdrivers, permanently open, on the coffee table.
...there is a copy of 'The Art Of War' by Sun Tsu next to the screwdrivers.
...their hoover-bag is full of little white balls.
...whenever you visit, somewhere in their house/flat/apartment, there is a battery on charge.
...there is a small machine-pistol under their bed.
...their girlfriend/wife unexpectedly leaves them and they don't seem to care.
...their new car is an armoured personnel carrier.
...they wear camouflage to mow the grass.
...there are never any pigeons in their garden.
...their fridge is full of C-rations.
...they walk around their home with the lights off, wearing night-vision goggles.
...their cat has moved in at your house.
...they have a satellite photograph of your garden.
...they can be seen walking around their home with a wet beret on their head.
...they will only ever enter your home through the window.
...they look at themselves in the mirror for hours trying to perfect the 'thousand yard stare'.
...they have dozens of small red welts all over their body.
...they "Stand To" at 0600 hrs and 1900 hrs daily.
...their garden has more trenches than 1918 France.
...they have a garage made of sandbags.
...you take a stroll down their garden and targets keep popping up.
...there is a red flag flying by the door to indicate the hallway-come-firing-range is in use.
...you enter their house and the metal detectors go off.
...they come to your house they ask for a "SITREP" on the coffee.
...their "Beware of the Dog" sign has changed to "Caution: Mine Field!"
...they can field strip a 9mm autoloader, but have never fired the real thing.
...they can tell you what country any given soldier is from by a 3 sec. glance at the cammo pattern and webbing.
...they dive under the nearest table/bush at the sound of an electric sewing machine.
...they check out your new house for approaches and fields of fire.
...they constantly scan upper windows/trees for snipers.
...they think a 1" group at five yards is good.
---Why Airsoft is better than sex---
1,You don't need to buy someone flowers to play airsoft. 2, Airsoft can last all day (or even all weekend). 3, You can smoke and play airsoft at the same time. 4, You can play airsoft with your friends. 5, The more people that turn up to airsoft, the better. 6, You'll get up early in the morning to play airsoft. 7, You can play airsoft with your clothes on. 8, You don't feel guilty after playing airsoft. 9, It's possible to be good at airsoft. 10, In airsoft, the size of your gun does not matter. 11, Just because you have played airsoft with someone doesn't mean you have to get married/move in together. 12, After you've played airsoft, you can brag to your mates and no-one will mind. 13, Airsoft is better if your girlfriend/wife/husband/boyfriend is not around. 14, After you've played airsoft, you don't have to go to sleep in a wet spot. 15, After playing airsoft, it is possible to be immediately looking forward to doing it again. 16, In airsoft, hiding in bushes is normal. 17, It's okay to wear socks when playing airsoft. 18, It's possible to play airsoft with just a pistol. 19, You can't get pregnant from playing airsoft. 20, You don't need to fall asleep or go to the lavatory after each airsoft game. 21, If you are ugly, you can play airsoft without a paper bag over your head. 22, You can wear combat gear during airsoft without being laughed at. 23, It is legal to take pictures of you playing airsoft and publish them. 24, You can play airsoft games one after another. 25, In airsoft, using smoke grenades helps. 26, In airsoft, you can reload in seconds. 27, It's possible to play airsoft without making rash promises/statements. 28, It doesn't matter if your mom finds out you have been reading airsoft magazines. 29, You can play airsoft at any time of the month. 30, You don't have to pretend to like the people you are playing airsoft with. 31, It's very rare that you have to stop playing airsoft to answer the phone/door. 32, If you have to stop playing airsoft half-way through a game due to injury, you will get sympathy from the other players. 33, You don't have to clean your teeth before playing airsoft. 34, You will remember the people you play airsoft with for years to come. 35, You will respect the people you have played airsoft with in the morning. 36, You can explain to your children what airsoft is without getting embarrassed. 37, You can explain to your children what airsoft is without finding out they are better informed that you. 38, You can list airsoft as one of your hobbies on a job application form.
---Happiness Is a Hired Gun - Mercenaries------------
So you did your time in the army and can field strip everything from a Makarov to a Chinese nuclear missile, you can fly an Apache helo or an F117 blindfolded, you can parachute directly into Saddam Hussein's Jacuzzi without tripping the disco light alarms and can speak 145 languages (including tribal dialects) and swear in 89 of them. You have been trained to kill a man just by twitching your ears, can make out explosives out of Rice Krispies and list every LIC and Tango group by acronym alphabetically in Russian. You're under 40, fit ready to go private.
Congratulations, you can now work at Depot in the plumbing department or seek employment as a mercenary.
---Uncle Bob-----------------------------------------
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket at the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."
"And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher. "Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"
"Very good," said the teacher. "Now, Lucy?" "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chickens. And the moral to this story is, don't count your chickens before they're hatched."
"That's a fine story Lucy," she continued. "Johnny, do you have a story to share?"
"Yes ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my Uncle Bob. Uncle Bob was a Green Beret in Vietnam and his helicopter got hit. He had to crash land in enemy territory and all he had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. He drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then he landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. He killed seventy with the machine gun until he ran out of bullets, then he killed twenty more with with the machete till the blade broke and then kill the last ten with his bare hands."
"Good heavens," said the teacher, "What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"
"Don't fuck with Uncle Bob when he's been drinking."
;D FC
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Post by Noa at the office on May 27, 2006 12:00:19 GMT 8
Quote:
"...they can be seen walking around their home with a wet beret on their head."
Muhahaha, I did that ;D
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Post by Fightingcock on Jun 8, 2006 10:14:40 GMT 8
this one come out of nz.... where every house has a rubbish bin on wheels you put out to the curb once a week. let me know if you don't get the eng-gish A dustman is going along the street picking up the wheely bins. He gets to one house where the bin hasn't been left out so he has a quick look for it, and then knocks on the door. Eventually a Chinese man answers... "Harro", he says. "Alright mate, where's your bin?" asks the dustman. "I bin on toiret" replies the Chinese bloke, looking perplexed. "No mate, where's ya dust bin?" I dust bin on toiret I told you" says the Chinese man. "Mate", says the dustman..."you're misunderstanding me... Where's your wheelie bin?" "OK, OK", says the Chinese guy. "I wheely bin having w*nk". ;D FC
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Post by pestexterminator on Jul 15, 2006 0:05:18 GMT 8
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Post by Fightingcock on Jul 16, 2006 19:02:17 GMT 8
lol... some phat wheels... ;D FC
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Post by Fightingcock on Sept 11, 2006 18:09:40 GMT 8
;D brillant shirt! FC
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Post by Fightingcock on Sept 15, 2006 19:34:47 GMT 8
Noa.... you still along way from pimping your SD this prrreeedddy... ;D FC
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Post by xurbit on Nov 2, 2006 14:17:24 GMT 8
one word "bravo" you cant argued with that.
Xt
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Post by Fightingcock on Nov 9, 2006 15:26:46 GMT 8
car jacking deterant hummm... what would i stick on mine... ;D FC
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Post by Noa on Nov 10, 2006 0:13:35 GMT 8
We need more stalkers!
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Post by demiurge on Nov 11, 2006 8:18:30 GMT 8
okay, hey there, okay i got a good one.
Knock Knock
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Post by woozie on Nov 11, 2006 9:37:38 GMT 8
Yo wassup My Homeboy? Got any A grade *peep* for me dog?? No *peep*?! Get the *peep* outta here man.....! Bloody Stalker... hehe....
That's my reply for you demiurge...
Woozie
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Post by demiurge on Nov 11, 2006 10:56:14 GMT 8
what?
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Post by woozie on Nov 11, 2006 11:42:41 GMT 8
well you said Knock Knock.... Woozie
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Post by Fightingcock on Nov 11, 2006 22:09:37 GMT 8
ok... i be sucker...
whos there....
and in the mean time....
A man goes to the confessional and says, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned." "What is your sin, my child?" The Priest asks. "Well," the man starts, "I used the 'F'-word today and I feel so terrible." "Why don't you tell me what happened. What made you use such awful language?" asked the Priest. "Well, I was out golfing and I hit this incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 250 yards, but the ball hit a phone line hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going about 100 yards." "I'm a golfer myself my son" said the Priest "I understand what you were feeling. So this is when you swore?" "No Father," said the man, "You see, after that a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in his mouth and began to run away." "And this is when you swore?" asked the Father again. "No not yet. Just as the squirrel was running away, this eagle came down out of the sky and grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!" "And it was then that you swore?" asked the amazed Priest. "No, not yet," replied the man, "Just as the eagle was flying away with the squirrel he flew towards a wooded area next to the green. And as he passed over it, the squirrel dropped my ball." "Did you swear then, my son?" asked the now impatient Priest. "No, because as the ball fell it struck a tree, bounced through some bushes, careened off a big rock, and then rolled through a sand trap and on to the green and stopped dead six inches from the hole!" told the man. The priest sighed, "You missed the fucking putt, didn't you!!?"
;D FC
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Post by demiurge on Nov 12, 2006 3:15:57 GMT 8
No woozie just RUINED it.
on the other hand, a nazi dictator, a jew billionare, OJ's dead lawyer, Ghengis Khan and micky mouse was on a boat. the nazi dicator fucked the jew, Ghengis Khan killed everyone and Mickey blew himself.
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Post by woozie on Nov 12, 2006 3:37:25 GMT 8
How about the Lawyer? And sry for Ruinning Everything... Woozie
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Post by demiurge on Nov 12, 2006 9:10:23 GMT 8
ghengis killed him as previously stated. See if u can find the hidden midgit.
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Post by Fightingcock on Mar 8, 2007 20:45:33 GMT 8
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Post by Fightingcock on Apr 4, 2007 10:53:15 GMT 8
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Post by Fightingcock on Apr 20, 2007 23:53:10 GMT 8
New Canadian Forces Recce vehicle. Cost effective, low profile, quiet, low heat signature, crewed by only two soldiers, plenty of storage area and requires very little maintenance. However, prone to rollovers, light armour, slow mover, comms are terrible and limited fire support. ;D FC
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Post by malavern on Apr 21, 2007 0:31:42 GMT 8
rofl, ncie one FC, wonder if it'll work for airsoft!?
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Post by Fightingcock on Apr 23, 2007 18:54:20 GMT 8
1. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.
2. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
3. It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
a) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse b) After wrecking your boss' Ferrari c) When your date is using her teeth
4. Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
5. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.
6. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for a guy who's running late is 5 minutes. Maximum waiting time is 6 minutes
7. Bitching about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. Gripe at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
8. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. (In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional.) (Christmas Included Xurbit)
9. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
10 You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.
11. It is permissible to quaff a fruity chick drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel... and it's free. (Take note IronLord )
12. Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
13. If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem --- you didn't see nothin'.
14. Women who claim the "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean.
15. You must offer heartfelt and public condolences over the death of a girlfriend's cat, even if it was you who secretly set it on fire and threw it into a ceiling fan.
16. If you complement a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.
17. Phrases that may not be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
a) Yeah, Baby, Push it! b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder! c) Another set and we can hit the showers! d) Nice Ass, are you a Sagittarius?
18. Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
19. Never allow a conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone, hang up if necessary.
20. When a buddy is trying to hook up, you may sabotage him only in a manner that gives you no chance of hooking up either.
;D FC
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