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Post by Fightingcock on Mar 26, 2005 18:21:47 GMT 8
So true........ Murphy's Military Laws 1. Friendly fire - isn't. 2. Recoilless rifles - aren't. 3. Suppressive fires - won't. 4. You are not Superman; Marines and fighter pilots take note. 5. A sucking chest wound is Nature's way of telling you to slow down. 6. If it's stupid but it works, it isn't stupid. 7. Try to look unimportant; the enemy may be low on ammo and not want to waste a bullet on you. 8. If at first you don't succeed, call in an air strike. 9. If you are forward of your position, your artillery will fall short. 10. Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself. 11. Never go to bed with anyone crazier than yourself. 12. Never forget that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder. 13. If your attack is going really well, it's an ambush. 14. The enemy diversion you're ignoring is their main attack. 15. The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions: a. When they're ready. b. When you're not. 16. No PLAN ever survives initial contact. 17. There is no such thing as a perfect plan. 18. Five second fuses always burn three seconds. 19. There is no such thing as an atheist in a foxhole. 20. A retreating enemy is probably just falling back and regrouping. 21. The important things are always simple; the simple are always hard. 22. The easy way is always mined. 23. Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy other people to shoot at. 24. Don't look conspicuous; it draws fire. For this reason, it is not at all uncommon for aircraft carriers to be known as bomb magnets. 25. Never draw fire; it irritates everyone around you. 26. If you are short of everything but the enemy, you are in the combat zone. 27. When you have secured the area, make sure the enemy knows it too. 28. Incoming fire has the right of way. 29. No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection. 30. No inspection ready unit has ever passed combat. 31. If the enemy is within range, so are you. 32. The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire. 33. Things which must be shipped together as a set, aren't. 34. Things that must work together, can't be carried to the field that way. 35. Radios will fail as soon as you need fire support. 36. Radar tends to fail at night and in bad weather, and especially during both). 37. Anything you do can get you killed, including nothing. 38. Make it too tough for the enemy to get in, and you won't be able to get out. 39. Tracers work both ways. 40. If you take more than your fair share of objectives, you will get more than your fair share of objectives to take. 41. When both sides are convinced they're about to lose, they're both right. 42. Professional soldiers are predictable; the world is full of dangerous amateurs. 43. Military Intelligence is a contradiction. 44. Fortify your front; you'll get your rear shot up. 45. Weather ain't neutral. 46. If you can't remember, the Claymore is pointed towards you. 47. Air defense motto: shoot 'em down; sort 'em out on the ground. 48. 'Flies high, it dies; low and slow, it'll go'. 49. The Cavalry doesn't always come to the rescue. 50. Napalm is an area support weapon. 51. Mines are equal opportunity weapons. 52. B-52s are the ultimate close support weapon. 53. Sniper's motto: reach out and touch someone. 54. Killing for peace is like screwing for virginity. 55. The one item you need is always in short supply. 56. Interchangeable parts aren't. 57. It's not the one with your name on it; it's the one addressed "to whom it may concern" you've got to think about. 58. When in doubt, empty your magazine. 59. The side with the simplest uniforms wins. 60. Combat will occur on the ground between two adjoining maps. 61. If the Platoon Sergeant can see you, so can the enemy. 62. Never stand when you can sit, never sit when you can lie down, never stay awake when you can sleep. 63. The most dangerous thing in the world is a Second Lieutenant with a map and a compass. 64. Exceptions prove the rule, and destroy the battle plan. 65. Everything always works in your HQ, everything always fails in the Colonel's HQ. 66. The enemy never watches until you make a mistake. 67. One enemy soldier is never enough, but two is entirely too many. 68. A clean (and dry) set of BDU's is a magnet for mud and rain. 69. The worse the weather, the more you are required to be out in it. Part 2 below Hooah! FC
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Post by Fightingcock on Mar 26, 2005 18:52:23 GMT 8
70. Whenever you have plenty of ammo, you never miss. Whenever you are low on ammo, you can't hit the broad side of a barn. 71. The more a weapon costs, the farther you will have to send it away to be repaired. 72. The complexity of a weapon is inversely proportional to the IQ of the weapon's operator. 73. Field experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. 74. No matter which way you have to march, its always uphill. 75. If enough data is collected, a board of inquiry can prove anything. 76. For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. (in boot camp) 77. Air strikes always overshoot the target, artillery always falls short. 78. When reviewing the radio frequencies that you just wrote down, the most important ones are always illegible. 79. Those who hesitate under fire usually do not end up KIA or WIA. 80. The tough part about being an officer is that the troops don't know what they want, but they know for certain what they don't want. 81. To steal information from a person is called plagiarism. To steal information from the enemy is called gathering intelligence. 82. The weapon that usually jams when you need it the most is the M60. 83. The perfect officer for the job will transfer in the day after that billet is filled by someone else. 84. When you have sufficient supplies & ammo, the enemy takes 2 weeks to attack. When you are low on supplies & ammo the enemy decides to attack that night. 85. The newest and least experienced soldier will usually win the Medal of Honor. 86. A Purple Heart just proves that were you smart enough to think of a plan, stupid enough to try it, and lucky enough to survive. 87. Murphy was a grunt. 88. Beer Math --> 2 beers times 37 men equals 49 cases. 89. Body count Math --> 3 guerrillas plus 1 probable plus 2 pigs equals 37 enemies killed in action. 90. The bursting radius of a hand grenade is always one foot greater than your jumping range. 91. All-weather close air support doesn't work in bad weather. 92. The combat worth of a unit is inversely proportional to the smartness of its outfit and appearance. 93. The crucial round is a dud. 94. Every command which can be misunderstood, will be. 95. There is no such place as a convenient foxhole. 96. Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last and don't ever volunteer to do anything. 97. If your positions are firmly set and you are prepared to take the enemy assault on, he will bypass you. 98. If your ambush is properly set, the enemy won't walk into it. 99. If your flank march is going well, the enemy expects you to outflank him. 100. Density of fire increases proportionally to the curiousness of the target. 101. Odd objects attract fire - never lurk behind one. 102. The more stupid the leader is, the more important missions he is ordered to carry out. 103. The self-importance of a superior is inversely proportional to his position in the hierarchy (as is his deviousness and mischievousness). 104. There is always a way, and it usually doesn't work. 105. Success occurs when no one is looking, failure occurs when the General is watching. 106. The enemy never monitors your radio frequency until you broadcast on an unsecured channel. 107. Whenever you drop your equipment in a fire-fight, your ammo and grenades always fall the farthest away, and your canteen always lands at your feet. 108. As soon as you are served hot chow in the field, it rains. 109. Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do. 110. The seriousness of a wound (in a fire-fight) is inversely proportional to the distance to any form of cover. 111. Walking point = sniper bait. 112. Your bivouac for the night is the spot where you got tired of marching that day. 113. If only one solution can be found for a field problem, then it is usually a stupid solution. 114. Radios function perfectly until you need fire support. 115. What gets you promoted from one rank gets you killed in the next rank. 116. Odd objects attract fire. You are odd. 117. Your mortar barrage will put exactly one round on the intended target. That round will be a dud. 118. Mine fields are not neutral. 119. The weight of your equipment is proportional to the time you have been carrying it. 120. Things that must be together to work can never be shipped together. 121. If you need an officer in a hurry take a nap. 122. The effective killing radius is greater than the average soldier can throw it. 123. Professionals are predictable, its the amateurs that are dangerous. 124. No matter which way you have to march, its always uphill. 125. The worse the weather, the more you are required to be out in it. 126. The quartermaster has only two sizes, too large and too small. (or "on order") 127. The only time suppressive fire works is when it is used on abandoned positions. 128. When a front line soldier overhears two General Staff officers conferring, he has fallen back too far. 129. Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever volunteer to do anything. 130. If at first you don't succeed, then bomb disposal probably isn't for you. 131. Any ship can be a minesweeper . . . . once. 132. Whenever you lose contact with the enemy, look behind you. 133. If you find yourself in front of your platoon they know something you don't. 134. The seriousness of a wound (in a firefight) is inversely proportional to the distance to any form of cover. 135. The more stupid the leader is, the more important missions he is ordered to carry out. 136. When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not your friend. 137 When the enemy is closing, the artillery will always be to long 138 Smart bombs have bad days too. 139 Uncrating and assembly instructions are always inside the crate. 140 If you have a personality conflict with your superior: he has the personality, you have the conflict. 141 If you enter the CO's Presence with an idea, you will leave his Presence with the CO's idea. YOU CAN'T ARGUE WITH THE MATH A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife:
Dear Wife: You must realize that you are 54-years-old, and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight. -Your Husband
When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:
Dear Husband: You, too, are 54-years-old and by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don't wait up.
;D FC
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Post by Fightingcock on Mar 27, 2005 13:09:03 GMT 8
Women's English Yes = No No = Yes Maybe = No I'm sorry. = You'll be sorry. We need = I want It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now. Do what you want = You'll pay for this later. We need to talk = I need to complain Sure... go ahead = I don't want you to. I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron! You're ... so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about? Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs. This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house. I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.... Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there! I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep. Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive. How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like. I'll be ready in a minute. = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV. Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful. You have to learn to communicate. = Just agree with me. Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead.] Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep. I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important. Men's English "I'm hungry." = I'm hungry. "I'm sleepy." = I'm sleepy. "I'm tired." = I'm tired. "Do you want to go to a movie?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you. "Can I take you out to dinner?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you. "Can I call you sometime?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you. "May I have this dance?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you. "Nice dress!" = Nice cleavage! "You look tense, let me give you a massage." = I want to fondle you. "What's wrong?" = I don't see why you are making such a big deal out this. "What's wrong?" = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now? "What's wrong?" = I guess sex tonight is out of the question. "I'm bored." = Do you want to have sex? "I love you." = Let's have sex now. "I love you, too." = Okay, I said it...we'd better have sex now! "Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = I liked it better before. "Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = $50 and it doesn't look that much different! "Let's talk." = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me. Will you marry me?" = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys. "I don't think that blouse and that skirt go well together." = I am gay. (While shopping) "I like that one better." = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home! ;D FC
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Post by Fightingcock on Mar 27, 2005 13:45:45 GMT 8
this worlds buggered.... how f$#ked-up are these... note the hk law.... is that true?? Bizarre Laws In Ventura County, California, cats and dogs are not allowed to have sex without a permit. If a police officer in Coeur d'Alene, Idaho, suspects a couple is having sex inside a vehicle they must honk their horn three times, and wait two minutes before being allowed to approach the scene. A law in Oblong, Illinois makes it a crime to make love while fishing or hunting on your wedding day. In Ames Iowa a husband may not take more than three gulps of beer while lying in bed with his wife. A law in Alexandria, Minnesota makes it illegal for a husband to make love to his wife if his breath smells like garlic, onions, or sardines. A Helena, Montana law states that a woman cannot dance on a saloon table unless her clothing weights more than three pounds, two ounces. Hotel owners in Hastings, Nebraska are required by law to provide a clean, white cotton nightshirt to each guest. According to the law, no couple may have sex unless they are wearing the nightshirts. Any couple making out inside a vehicle, and accidentally sounding the horn during their lustful act, may be taken to jail according to a Liberty Corner, New Jersey law. During lunch breaks in Carlsbad, New Mexico, no couple should engage in a sexual act while parked in their vehicle, unless their car has curtains. In Nevada sex without a condom is considered illegal.In Harrisburg, Pennsylvania it is illegal to have sex with a truck driver inside a toll booth. Hotels in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, are required by law to furnish their rooms with twin beds only. There should be a minimum of two feet between the beds, and it is illegal for a couple to make love on the floor between the beds. In Kingsville, Texas, there is a law against two pigs having sex on the city's airport property. A Tremonton, Utah law states that no woman is allowed to have sex with a man while riding in an ambulance. In addition to normal charges, the woman's name will be published in the local newspaper. The man does not receive any punishment. In the state of Washington there is a law against having sex with a virgin under any circumstances. (including the wedding night) In Connorsville, Wisconsin no man shall shoot of a gun while his female partner is having a sexual orgasm. The only acceptable sexual position in Washington D.C. is the missionary-style position. Any other sexual position is considered illegal. (So this is how they plan on getting Clinton) HE HE! Funny how some laws can just spoil all the fun! More Bizarre Sex Laws Most Middle Eastern countries recognize the following Islamic law: "After having sexual relations with a lamb, it is a mortal sin to eat its flesh." (umm ok, I'm sure the lamb appreciates that one) In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death. (OK, like THAT makes sense.. ) In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is forbidden from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror. Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers; the sex organs of the decease must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times. (a brick? ?) The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation. (wonder< how they enforce that one??) There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilegeof having sex for the first time. Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry. (now let's just think for a minute...is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?) In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. (the husband's lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any mannerdesired.) Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish stores. (of course!!) In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens her mother must be in the room to witness the act. (I shudder at the thought) In Santa Cruz, Bolivia it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time. (...we have to presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law...?) In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises." (Is this a great country or what?) lol FC
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Post by Fightingcock on Mar 27, 2005 14:09:44 GMT 8
ok.... starting to see a theme here... at least there all kinda funny... like... bumperstickers... classics would make great t-shirts also... Bumper Stickers for the Politically Incorrect Constipated People Don't Give A Crap Practice Safe Sex, Go Screw Yourself If You Drink Don't Park, Accidents Cause People Please Tell Your Pants Its Not Polite To Point If That Phone Was Up Your Butt, Maybe You Could Drive A Little Better My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant Thank You For Pot Smoking To All You Virgins Thanks For Nothing If At First You Don't Succeed...blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings" If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer Horn Broken... Watch For Finger It's Not How You Pick Your Nose, But Where You Put The Booger If You're Not A Hemorrhoid, Get Off My Ass You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me The Earth Is Full - Go Home I Have The Body Of A God... Buddha This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away? The Face Is Familiar But I Can't Quite Remember My Name Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway Illiterate? Write For Help Honk If Anything Falls Off Cover Me I'm Changing Lanes He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person You! Out Of The Gene Pool! I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To Where Are We Going And Why Am I In This Handbasket? It's Been Lovely But I Have To Scream Now I Haven't Lost My Mind, It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere If You Can Read This, The Bitch Fell Off...[Seen On The Back Of A Biker's Vest] If Sex Is A Pain In The Ass, Then You're Doing It the Wrong WAY!. .. Fight Crime: Shoot Back! If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over...[Seen Upside Down, On A Jeep] Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35mph Are Also Timed For 70mph. Guys: No Shirt, No Service Gals: No Shirt, No Charge [Reported To Be Seen On A Restaurant] If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hut? Necrophillia: That Uncontrollable Urge To Crack Open A Cold One. Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel The Other White Meat Caution - Driver Legally Blonde! Don't Be Sexist - Broads Hate That Heart Attacks...God's Revenge For Eating His Little Animal Friends Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost? If You Can't Dazzle Them With Brilliance, Riddle Them With Bullets. Money Isn't Everything, But It Sure Keeps The Kids In Touch Saw It... Wanted It... Had A Fit... Got It! Warning! Driver Only Carries $20.00 In Ammunition What Has Four Legs And An Arm? A Happy Pit Bull PETA - People Eating Tasty Animals ;D and finally... * W A N T E D * A tall woman with good reputation, who can cook frogs' legs, who can stand a little fu -ture fun at parties and froli- cking without getting serious. Okay, now only read lines 1, 3, & 5 it wasn't me... i know nothing ;D FC
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Post by Fightingcock on May 12, 2005 18:12:46 GMT 8
man... have we got it luckly here or what. Below is a copy of a letter that won a competition in UK as complaint letter of the year...have a laugh and read on. Complaint Letter of the Year. The British do have a way with words.... A real-life customer complaint letter sent to NTL (to their complaints dept....) Dear Cretins, I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone. During this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can either pursue your professional perogative, and seek to rectify these difficulties - or more likely (I suspect) so that you can have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office: My initial installation was cancelled without warning, resulting in my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your technician to arrive. When he did not arrive, I spent a further 57 minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful website....HOW? I alleviated the boredom by playing with my testicles for a few minutes - an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly adept. The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later, although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools - such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum. Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. After 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks my modem arrived... six weeks after I had requested it, and begun to pay for it. I estimate your internet server's downtime is roughly 35%... hours between about 6pm -midnight, Mon-Fri, and most of the weekend. I am still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made 9 calls on my mobile to your no-help line, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a variety of disinterested individuals, who are it seems also highly skilled bollock jugglers. I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone will call me back); that no telephone line is available (and someone will call me back); that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off); that I will be transferred to someone (and then been redirected to an answer machine informing me that your office is closed); that I will be transferred to someone and then been redirected to the irritating Scottish robot woman...and several other variations on this theme. Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at least a thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of those crucially important testicle-moments to attend to. Frankly I don't care, it's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustration's in print than to shout them at your unending hold music. Forgive me, therefore, if I continue. I thought BT were shit, that they had attained the holy piss-pot of godawful customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be more disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't anyone else is there? How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower of bastards you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum incompetents of the highest order. British Telecom - wankers though they are - shine like brilliant beacons of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly limitless inadequacy. Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for the services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to deliver - any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps bemused rage. I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cats litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become desiccated during transit - they were satisfyingly moist at the time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and its worthless employees. Have a nice day - may it be the last in you miserable short life, you irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twats. John
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Post by Fightingcock on May 24, 2005 8:39:11 GMT 8
HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN
Wine her, Dine her, Call her, Hug her, Support her, Hold her, Surprise her, Compliment her, Smile at her, Listen to her, Laugh with her,Cry with her, Romance her, Encourage her, Believe in her, Pray with her, Cuddle with her, Shop with her, Give her jewelry, Buy her flowers, Hold her hand, Write love letters to her, Go to the end of the Earth and back again for her.
HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN:
Show up naked...Bring food & Beer...Don't block the TV.
;D FC
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Post by Fightingcock on May 24, 2005 14:24:44 GMT 8
A Chinese guy was trying to exchange yen for dollars and asked the teller, " Why it change, yestoday I get two hunat dollar fo yen - today I geta Hunat eighty?" The teller says - "fluctuations" The Chinese guy says "fluc you white guys too" Muhahahahahaha....;D guess you have to be gwai-lo to get that one FC
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Post by meho on May 30, 2005 2:29:50 GMT 8
Man FC i havent laughed soo hard in a long time ;D it took me about 45 minutes to read all that but it was worth every second. thx a lot and i'd love to read more
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Post by Fightingcock on Jun 29, 2005 17:28:47 GMT 8
GayBob goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run. The doctor comes back and says "Bob, I'm not going to beat around the bush. You have AIDS." Bob is devastated. "Doc, what can I do?" Eat 1 sausage, 1 head of cabbage, 20 unpeeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts, 1/2 box of Raisin Bran, and top it off with a gallon of prune juice." Bob asks, "Will that cure me, Doc?" Doc says, "No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your ass is for. eeeeeewwww!!! FC
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Post by Fightingcock on Jun 30, 2005 9:26:50 GMT 8
An English guy was very ill and his son went to visit him in the hospital. Suddenly, the father began to breathe heavily and grabbed the pen and pad by the bed. With his last ounce of strength he wrote a note, dropped it, and died. The son was so overcome with grief that he didn't remember slipping the note into his pocket. At the funeral, he reached into the pocket of his coat and immediately felt the note. He excitedly read it thinking it might be something he could recite during the service. It said: YOU WANKER -- GET OFF MY OXYGEN PIPE!! ;D The Horth Whithperer A guy calls his buddy the horse rancher and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse. His buddy asks, "How will I recognize him?" That's easy, he's a midget with a speech impediment." So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse. "A female horth." So he shows him a prized filly. "Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth"? So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over. Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth"? So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears. "Nith earzth, can I see her mouf"? The rancher is gettin' pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth. "Nice mouf, can I see her twat"? Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's twat, pulls him out and slams him on the ground. The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing. "Perhapth I should rephrase that; Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit"? muhahahhaha..... ;D ok... some might have troble with the languge in that one. let me know if you need a deffination of anything FC
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Post by Fightingcock on Aug 7, 2005 17:02:37 GMT 8
Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbour peered over the fence.
Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was doing, he politely asked,"What are you up to there, Nancy?
"My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."
The neighbour was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"
Nancy patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your f****** cat."
;D FC
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Post by Fightingcock on Aug 31, 2005 10:22:23 GMT 8
lol.... you may need to be a kiwi to get this one...
Subject: A Somalian arrives in Manukau City, New Zealand...
A Somalian arrives in Manukau City as a new immigrant to New Zealand. He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr.New Zealand man for letting me in this country!" But the passer-by says "You are mistaken, I am a Pakistani".
The man goes on and encounters another passer-by. "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in New Zealand!" The person says "I no Kiwi. I flom Hong Kong"
The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says "Thank you for the wonderful Kiwiland!" That person puts up his hand and says "I am from Iran, I am not Kiwi!"
He finally sees a nice lady and asks suspiciously, "Are you a New Zealand citizen?" She says, "No, I from Tonga!"
So he is puzzled, and asks her, "Where are all the New Zealanders?" The Tongan lady looks at her watch, shrugs, and says...
"Probably at work."
;D FC
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Post by asher on Sept 1, 2005 0:05:39 GMT 8
LOL
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Post by pestexterminator on Sept 4, 2005 12:56:05 GMT 8
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Post by Fightingcock on Sept 4, 2005 21:20:47 GMT 8
muhahahaha... ;D nice find FC
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slink
Private First Class
Posts: 9
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Post by slink on Sept 20, 2005 21:30:00 GMT 8
You guys found some hilarious stuff. Thanks for the laughs. And sorry but I copied and pasted some of the stuff in my forums. It was too funny to not share.
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Post by Fightingcock on Sept 21, 2005 19:37:19 GMT 8
lol... rt.... glad we could help ;D FC
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Post by Fightingcock on Sept 29, 2005 15:28:30 GMT 8
One day a guy died and found himself in hell. As he was wallowing in despair, he had his first meeting with a demon. The demon asked, "Why so glum?" The guy responded, "What do you think? I'm in hell!" "Hell's not so bad," the demon said. "We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?" "Sure," the man said, "I love to drink." "Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab and Fresca. We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!" The guy is astounded. "Damn, that sounds great." "You a smoker?" the demon asked. "You better believe it!" "You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, no biggie. You're already dead, remember?" "Wow, the guy said, "that's awesome!" The demon continued. "I bet you like to gamble." "Why yes, as a matter of fact I do." "Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow. You into drugs?" The guy said, "Are you kidding? I love drugs! You don't mean . . ." "That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares!" "Wow, the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation, "I never realized Hell was such a cool place!" The demon said, "You gay?" "No." "Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays." ;D FC
THE MEANING OF LIFE, FINALLY!!!
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me the hell alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.
5. No one is listening until you make a mistake.
6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
7. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
8. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
9. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
10. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
11. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day.
12. If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
13. Don't squat with your spurs on.
14. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
15. If you drink, don't park. Accidents cause people.
16. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.
17. Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.
18. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
19. Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
20. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
21. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side & a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
22. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
23. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
24. We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
;D FC
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Post by Fightingcock on Oct 28, 2005 10:47:37 GMT 8
Two Texans were out on the range talking about their favorite sex positions. One said, "I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best." "I don't think I have ever heard of that one," said the other cowboy. "What is it?" "Well, it's where you get your wife down on all fours and you mount her from behind. Then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands and whisper in her ear, "Boy, these feel just like your sister's." Then you try and stay on for eight seconds! ;D I'll try that one... one day. lol FC
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Post by Noa on Oct 28, 2005 23:41:38 GMT 8
Now that's just explicit, FC And if you do that, you're going to be fired big time. Lol. Not very funny~
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Post by Fightingcock on Oct 29, 2005 17:51:23 GMT 8
lol.... sorry... not intended to offend. would have been explict if i had inclued pictures. sorry... forgot the average age of members is not high. i'll wash my mouth out the a bar of soap... and you can spite me again FC
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Post by sgtlomei on Oct 29, 2005 20:51:40 GMT 8
It's nothing compared to the angry dragon. If your not pg13 and remotely interested please ask...
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Post by conspiracy on Oct 30, 2005 17:53:31 GMT 8
It's nothing compared to the angry dragon. If your not pg13 and remotely interested please ask... just say it, as part of team leader i allow it
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Post by Fightingcock on Nov 7, 2005 9:52:14 GMT 8
lol... i could imagine... probally similar to the drunk donkey...lol but we don't need to go there... anyways... here are some bright women. MY KINDA WOMAN Barbara Walters of 20/20 (ABC Television) did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict. She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands. She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands. From Ms. Walters vantage point, despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem to walk even further back behind their husbands and are happy to maintain the old custom. Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, "Why do you now seem happy with the old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?" The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in her eyes and without hesitation, said "Land mines." FC
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Post by Fightingcock on Nov 7, 2005 10:28:58 GMT 8
1. Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.
2. Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
3. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said, "Implants?" She hit me.
4. I don't do drugs. At my age I get the same effect just standing up fast.
5. Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."
6. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.
7. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and Shithead's.
8. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
9. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
10. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
11. A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying,"Sh*t...that was fun!"
12. I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!
13. When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk."
14. Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press "Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?
15. Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
16. Wouldn't you know it...Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever. ;D FC
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Post by Fightingcock on Nov 15, 2005 11:38:39 GMT 8
An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained: "Well, doc, it's like this - First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing." "Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing." "We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbour?" The old man replied, "Yep. None of us could get the bloody jar open" FC
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Post by conspiracy on Nov 24, 2005 22:48:50 GMT 8
::)fc.... can i call u..... SAD
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Post by Fightingcock on Nov 26, 2005 15:04:10 GMT 8
sader than sad.... A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution, bored out of their minds. "How about having sex with a cat?" asked the zoophile. "Lets have sex with the cat and then torture it," says the sadist. "Lets have sex with the cat, torture it and then kill it," shouted the murderer. "Lets have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with it again," said the necrophile. "Lets have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it, have sex with it again and then burn it," said the pyromaniac. Silence took over... then everyone turned to the masochist and asked: "So, what's it gonna be?" To which he replies, "Meow." ;D A man goes into an adult entertainment shop and asks the clerk for an inflatable doll. "Would you like male or female?" "Female, please." "Would you like black or white?" "White, please." "Would you like Christian or Muslim?" This question confused the man, so he asked, "What has religion got to do with an inflatable doll?" The clerk replied, "The Muslim doll blows itself up." ;D A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8:00 pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home. Where have you been? demanded his wife when he entered the house. Darling, I cant lie to you, Ive been having an affair with my secretary and weve been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didnt wake up until eight oclock. The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, You lying bastard Youve been playing golf. ;D FC
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Pest forgot password
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Post by Pest forgot password on Nov 28, 2005 21:22:24 GMT 8
There was a B52 being escorted by an F-15 on a training mission. The fighter pilot, being in an agile plane started showing off his skills, looping and swerving around the bomber, which was flying straight and level.
The fighter pilot then boasted, "whatever you can do, I can do it twice as well!" and the bomber pilot agreed to meet the challenge promptly.
The bomber just continued to fly in straigt and level flight and the fighter pilot asked, "what are you doing?"
The bomber pilot replied, "We just switched 2 engines off" : ;D
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