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Post by malavern on Apr 1, 2008 22:05:22 GMT 8
A Chinese man decides to move to Australia after 50 years of Living in Shanghai. He buys a small piece of land near to Mt Isa. A Few days after moving in the friendly Aussie neighbour decides to go across and welcome the new guy to the region, so he goes next door but on his way up the drive-way he sees the Chinese man running around his front yard chasing about 10 hens not wanting to interrupt these 'Chinese customs', he decides to put the welcome on hold for the day.
The next day, he decides to try again, but just as he is about to knock on the front door, he looks through the window and sees the Chinese man urinate into a glass and then drink it. Not wanting to interrupt another 'Chinese custom', he decides to put the welcome on hold for yet another day. A day later he decides to give it one last go, but on his way next door, he sees the Chinese man leading a bull down the drive-way, pause, and then put his head next to the bull's bum.
The Aussie bloke can't handle this, so he goes up to the Chinese man and says 'Jeez Mate, what the hell is it with your Chinese Customs? I come over to welcome you to the neighborhood, and see you running around the yard after hens. The next day you are pissing in a glass, and drinking it, and then today you have your head so close to that bull's bum, it could just about shit on you.
The Chinese man is very taken back and says 'Sorry sir, you no understand, these no Chinese customs I doing, these Australian Customs'.
'What do you mean mate' says the Aussie, 'Those aren't Australian customs.'
'Yes they are’, replied the Chinese man, ‘man at travel agent tell me'. ' He say, to become true Australian, I learn chase chicks, drink piss, and listen to bull-shit'.
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Dingo
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Post by Dingo on Apr 2, 2008 1:49:35 GMT 8
LOL!
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play150
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Post by play150 on Apr 4, 2008 22:10:41 GMT 8
The murphy laws have some repeats...
Yay HK has a bizzare slightly sexually related law!
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Post by Ferox on Apr 8, 2008 13:30:15 GMT 8
In New Zealand, the government shouldn't be worried about BB gun's so much... yahoo.com posted: WELLINGTON, New Zealand - A New Zealand man has been accused of assault with prickly weapon — a hedgehog. Police allege that William Singalargh picked up the hedgehog and threw it several yards to hit a 15-year-old boy in the North Island east coast town of Whakatane on Feb. 9. "It hit the victim in the leg, causing a large, red welt and several puncture marks," police Senior Sgt. Bruce Jenkins said Monday. The teen did not need medical treatment, he added. The Herald on Sunday newspaper reported that it was not known whether the hedgehog was dead or alive at the time of the attack, but that it was dead when collected as evidence. Jenkins said Singalargh, 27, was arrested shortly after the incident on a charge of assault with a weapon. He is expected to appear in court again on April 17. His lawyer, Rebecca Plunket, said Singalargh intends to plead innocent. The maximum penalty for the charge is five years in prison. While using a hedgehog as a weapon in an assault is uncommon, Jenkins said, "People often get charged with assault for throwing things at other people." It probably lost all its rings on impact. Poor guy.
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Dingo
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Post by Dingo on Apr 8, 2008 14:57:02 GMT 8
kiwis...
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Post by malavern on Apr 8, 2008 16:47:39 GMT 8
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Post by Ferox on Apr 8, 2008 18:13:47 GMT 8
ROFL did he say anything derogatory!? He just said "kiwis..." But hey since we're on the subject, look what I found: Now see that, THAT is mean!
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Dingo
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Post by Dingo on Apr 10, 2008 22:29:31 GMT 8
sigh... i have none but a few words to describe this... BURN! FAIL! LOL!
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Dingo
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Post by Dingo on Apr 10, 2008 22:31:03 GMT 8
no offense to anyone
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Post by malavern on Apr 11, 2008 11:04:11 GMT 8
@ Dingo
Try to keep your replies to 1 post, if you realize you want to add something, add it to your previous post...
by clicking the "modify" button
O, and try to contribute, instead of pure commenting
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Post by PhantomNinja on Apr 11, 2008 19:54:39 GMT 8
O, and try to contribute, instead of pure commenting heed the word of the wise
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Dingo
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Post by Dingo on Apr 14, 2008 23:30:15 GMT 8
excuse me 4 being a bit thick... contributing wat exactly?
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Dingo
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Post by Dingo on Apr 29, 2008 0:42:50 GMT 8
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So next Sunday he took the monsignors advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door: 1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp. 2. There are 10 commandments, not 12. 3. There are 12 disciples, not 10. 4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated. 5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass. 6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C. 7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook. 8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him. 9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass. 10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T" 11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me." 12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry." 13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A- Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God. 14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
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Post by malavern on May 4, 2008 21:06:19 GMT 8
On the first day, God created the dog and said:
'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'
The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'
So God agreed.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said:
'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I 'll give you a twenty-year life span.'
The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?'
And God agreed.
On the third day, God created the cow and said:
'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family For this, I will give you a life span of sixty Years.'
The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'
And God agreed again.
On the fourth day, God created man and said:
'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.'
But man said: 'Only twenty years ? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'
'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'
So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you!
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Dingo
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Post by Dingo on May 12, 2008 0:38:03 GMT 8
One day, all the organs were having a meeting discussing who is the most important in the entire body. So far candidates were brain, heart and lungs. Each of them were giving out the reasons for being the most important
"I should be the most important in the entire body... cuz I make sure the rest of you guys run smoothly. It ain't an easy job people... I do my best to make sure we are stocking up on the essential stuff... nutrients for body building and functions... make sure stomach knows whats coming in... without me you guys are nothing." said Brain
Heart laughed sarcastically
"Is that right? I am what makes this entire body run... without me working 24/7 pumping out blood none of you guys are doing whatever shit you guys are going to do... and dick dont you know full well you need me to "help" you "stand up" for yourself when you need to go "exploring" into "the great unknown", without me working round the clock... you guys have nothing to live on!"
Next comes along lungs.
"I should be the most important because I bring in air... without air Brain is kaput so is heart, that good enough for you lot."
the crowd cheered, just as every one was about to declare lungs to be the most important... from some obscure corner the anus piped up
"Hey what about me? I have spoken yet"
The crowd of organs were silent for a few seconds... then roared with laughter. No one expected or even thought about mentioning that particular organ.
Anus got so pissed off that he packed up and left. After which the rest of the body realised their mistake...
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Post by malavern on May 12, 2008 2:09:40 GMT 8
One day, all the organs were having a meeting discussing who is the most important in the entire body. So far candidates were brain, heart and lungs. Each of them were giving out the reasons for being the most important "I should be the most important in the entire body... cuz I make sure the rest of you guys run smoothly. It ain't an easy job people... I do my best to make sure we are stocking up on the essential stuff... nutrients for body building and functions... make sure stomach knows whats coming in... without me you guys are nothing." said Brain Heart laughed sarcastically "Is that right? I am what makes this entire body run... without me working 24/7 pumping out blood none of you guys are doing whatever shit you guys are going to do... and dick dont you know full well you need me to "help" you "stand up" for yourself when you need to go "exploring" into "the great unknown", without me working round the clock... you guys have nothing to live on!" Next comes along lungs. "I should be the most important because I bring in air... without air Brain is kaput so is heart, that good enough for you lot." the crowd cheered, just as every one was about to declare lungs to be the most important... from some obscure corner the anus piped up "Hey what about me? I have spoken yet" The crowd of organs were silent for a few seconds... then roared with laughter. No one expected or even thought about mentioning that particular organ. Anus got so pissed off that he packed up and left. After which the rest of the body realised their mistake... ... You F'ked up this joke... lemme find the correct version... and i'll stick it up later...
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Post by malavern on May 12, 2008 2:12:00 GMT 8
The organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was in charge. Each organ took a turn to speak up:
Brain: I should be in charge because I run all body functions. Blood: I should be in charge because I circulate oxygen for the brain. Stomach: I should be in charge because I process food to the brain. Legs: I’d be in charge because I take the brain where it wants to go. Eyes: I should be in charge because I let the brain see where it’s going. Asshole: I should be in charge because I get rid of your waste. All the other parts laughed so hard and this made the asshole very mad. To prove his point, the asshole immediately slammed tightly closed and stayed that way for 6 days, refusing to rid the body of any waste whatsoever.
Day 1 - Brain got a terrible headache and cried out for relief. Day 2 - Stomach got bloated and began to ache terribly. Day 3 - Legs got cramps and became unstable. Day 4 - Eyes became watery and vision became blurred. Day 5 - Blood became toxic and poisoned the body. Day 6 - The other organs agreed to let the asshole be in charge.
MORAL OF THE STORY: No matter who you are, or how important you think you are, you will find that it is always the ASSHOLE who's boss!
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Post by Fightingcock on Jun 19, 2008 20:58:02 GMT 8
;D FC
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billy
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Post by billy on Jun 19, 2008 23:08:14 GMT 8
That does not belong in the "funny" section.
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Post by Fightingcock on Jun 19, 2008 23:30:04 GMT 8
where should i stick it ? FC
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Post by Ferox on Jun 19, 2008 23:36:36 GMT 8
If they ever tick the bottom, I'm screwed
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Dingo
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Post by Dingo on Jun 20, 2008 0:34:51 GMT 8
hmm... seems like we have a trekkie here
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Post by ghostrider on Jun 20, 2008 0:39:49 GMT 8
LOL! I love that one FC.
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Post by malavern on Jun 27, 2008 11:58:32 GMT 8
The next time someone asks you a dumb question wouldn't you like to respond like this?.....
Yesterday I was buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for Athena, my wonder dog at Wal-Mart and was in the checkout line. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had, an elephant?
So since I'm retired, with little to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again. I probably shouldn't, I continued, because I'd ended up in the hospital last time. I awoke in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
However, I did lose 40 pounds on the diet, so I was giving it another go.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is you load your pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete and I needed to lose a few more pounds. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was, by now, enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, this woman asked if I ended up in intensive care because I'd been poisoned by the dog food. I told her no, it happened because I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit both of us.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard!
WAL-MART won't let me shop there anymore.
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Post by milkkart on Jun 28, 2008 0:40:35 GMT 8
hah, seen that one before but the punch line was 'no, i was sitting in the middle of the road licking my nuts when a car hit me.'
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Post by Fightingcock on Jul 18, 2008 12:13:49 GMT 8
@ dingo. you post was deleted. did you notice theres no videos posted here??? and on top of that... i didn't get the punch line. 2nd warning... in 2 days. how about.. instead of thinking about what to post... you just... NOT post! muaahahahaha.... now thats funny. FC
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Post by malavern on Jul 20, 2008 0:33:23 GMT 8
A man was riding his Harley bike along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said,' Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.'
The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.'
The Lord said, 'Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things.
Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.'
The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'Lord, I wish that I, and all men, could understand our wives and girlfriends; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy.'
The Lord replied, 'You want two lanes or four on that Hawaii bridge?
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Dingo
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Post by Dingo on Jul 29, 2008 17:26:32 GMT 8
a bit of a long shot cant stop laughing me ass off after reading
How the British Armed Forces deal with snakes Some months ago now, we looked at how the various branches of the British Armed Forces would react upon that most dangerous objects, a plan. Given that the Forces continue to enjoy a Kipling-esque existence under ‘Bomber?Blair’s premiership, they are now deployed in far flung climes where they face not only fearsome foe but also similarly unpleasant fauna, this morning dear readers I thought we might examine how the various branches, regiments & corps will react on confronting a snake ? Infantry Tracks snake through jungle. Snake smells them & quickly leaves area, travelling upwind.
Parachute Regiment Lands on & kills snake.
Armour Runs over snake, laughs & looks for more snakes.
Cavalry Treats snake with haughty disdain as having no impact on primary objective which is to hold London against Roundheads at all costs
RM Commando Gets naked, plays with snake. Gets drunk with snake. Eats snake
Combat Engineer Studies snake. Prepares tactical plan for fixing snake using counter-mobility assets & defeating snake using mobility assets. Chain of command pays no attention. Snake falls into hole dug by infantry & drowns.
Royal Artillery Fires 3 hour concentrated barrage. Misses snake. Tree blown up by stray round falls on snake & kills it. Mission declared successful & all participants awarded gallantry medals.
Special Forces Makes contact with snake & ignoring Foreign Office directives, builds rapport with snake & starts winning its heart & mind. Trains it to kill other snakes. Files massive expenses claim. Writes best-seller Python Two Zero?
Royal Army Medical Service Snake dies by mistake on operating table. Dissects snake.
Territorial Army Kills snake by accident on weekend exercise. Keeps quiet about it.
University Officer Training Corps Is not experienced enough to deal with snake. Waits until end of weekend exercise, takes snake to Students?Union bar, gets drunk, sleeps with snake's fat friend. Snake dies of embarrassment
Intelligence Corps Snake? What snake? Only 4 of 35 indicators of snake presence currently active. Assesses potential for snake activity as low. Dies of snake bite.
REME Finds snake, teaches it health & safety, COSHH regs, then crushes it in PAC change. Snake dies
Royal Signals Mutters a lot about snake's role in the J6 plan. Configures snake to pass high bandwidth satellite comms. Snake ends up cooked on front of satellite dish aimed in the vague direction of "over there". No-one notices snake death until Comd's VTC connection drops 2 minutes before start time. Urgent search for replacement snake ongoing.
Adjutant General Determines that the snake is not black, female, homosexual or disabled. Loses interest.
Defence Logistics Organisation Orders 2 year study by Anderson Consultants at cost of ?0.5M. generating massive workload at grade I staff level. Report finds that killing snake may contribute to 20% output costing savings by inclusion of snake meat in tri-service messing. Snake Meat Implementation Team formed, with 2-star tri-service steering group. Aim to introduce snake meat into all messes & ration packs by 2010. Snake experts from Special Forces & Ghurkhas ignored. High profile ?M PR campaign launched featuring celebrity chef Ainsley Harriott & retired 4-star officers keen to supplement their index-linked pensions. Snake meat launched in service messes to resounding the resounding clamour of apathy. Desperate to recoup lost money, Army demolishes 300 married quarters & sells snake meat holdings to Indian & Canadian Armed Forces.
Defence Procurement Agency Decide they want to buy a Snake. Offer ambiguous contract out for tender. Contract states that an eel will be supplied as Government Furnished Equipment & must be modified to meet the performance characteristics of a snake as laid out in the aforementioned ambiguous contract. 6 years late & ?Bn pounds over budget, the project is scrapped & a COTS snake is bought from the USA for ££1Bn.
Whitehall Warrior Initially denies knowledge of snake, but subsequently admits that snake was acquired on advice of intelligence services & secret legal advice. Announces inquiry which will lead to prosecution of service personnel who handled snake, whilst exonerating government ministers.
Royal Navy Fires the entire UKs stock of Tomahawk missiles from its 4 remain ships.Estimates 60% of snake killed. Makes PowerPoint presentation to Parliamentary Select Committee on how naval forces are the most cost effective means of conducting anti-snake operations.
Royal Air Force Obtains geo-co-ordinates for snake. Spends ?0Bn of Eurofrighter to counter snake threat. Loads air to air missiles by mistake. Flies in at 20,000 feet, can’t find snake so dumps missiles in sea on way home. Returns to base for crew rest, dry-cleaning collection, facial & manicure.
& a couple of others
British tabloid press Invents lurid story about soldiers from 'elite' RLC laundry unit taking part in strange rituals involving snakes
Phil Shiner Travels to snake's location & offers to represent snake in legal action against the Army, but is run over by armour as indistinguishable from other snakes.
(Cobbled together from various scources)
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Post by yonathanho on Jul 30, 2008 23:14:52 GMT 8
that's from the link i posted in funny pics mkII
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Post by malavern on Jul 31, 2008 0:03:08 GMT 8
that's from the link i posted in funny pics mkII my thoughts exactly!
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